Becoming Less Allergic to the Reactivity in Others

How neutrality changes the relationship equation

Alpine marmot. Source: Shutterstock

I’m a big fan of the neutral reply when it comes to drama in a relationship.

When people hear the word “neutrality,” they tend to get reactive. “Shouldn’t people be held accountable for their actions? Kathleen, isn’t neutrality the same as being on the bad side?”

This kind of bothsidesing is not the kind of neutrality I’m talking about. Emotional neutrality (yes, a Bowen theory word) is the capacity to see what’s happening and interrupt a very predictable, automatic pattern. It’s the ability to not take on the reactivity of others or throw it right back at them.

I ask people, “Do you want to blame someone or do you want to interrupt what always happens?” Because you can’t have both.

People give us lots of reasons to blame or shame them. The trouble is, this increases the reactivity and makes it harder for people to actually think about what they’re doing.

A more emotionally neutral reply gives oneself and others a chance to level up. It reminds the relationship that we are each responsible for ourselves. That having access to each other’s thinking can be useful.

Let me give you some examples.