Here's What Happens When We Stop Diagnosing Each Other

Plus a worksheet for paid subscribers.

So much our conversations about ourselves, and others, is diagnostic.

When you ask people to tell you about their families, out come the adjectives. People use words like toxic. Narcissistic. Sensitive. Stubborn. Overwhelming. Avoidant. The more labels we use, the harder it is to be curious about a relationship.

Learning to think systems is about shifting our thinking from adjectives to verbs. Shifting from labels to observations about our functioning and others’ functioning.

Let me give you some examples.

Adjective - My brother is sensitive.

Verb - He distances when I tell him something he doesn’t like.

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Adjective - My mother is overwhelming.

Verb - She focuses on us to manage her own reactivity.

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Adjective - My colleague is helpless.

Verb - She invites the over-involvement of others when the pressure is up.

Notice the shift from describing what people are to describing what they do. The latter has much more of a researcher mindset.

Before you report me to your doctor or therapist, I’m not saying that a diagnosis, or a personality test, cannot be useful. They certainly can be. But so can the facts of our functioning, and the functioning of our relationships systems.

Unlike labels, our actions change based on the level of anxiety, and the level of our own maturity. They can be tinkered with.

Verbs helps us see the reciprocity in our relationships.

We are shaped by each other’s sensitivities. We do things that invite predictable responses out of others. And others do things that invite predictable responses from us. This isn’t about blaming yourself—it’s about seeing how our own behaviors can create a more flexible, open relationship system. Or not. We often abandon our own best thinking when others behave poorly.

Look at the three examples I gave above. A person using adjectives might conclude, “Well I’m going to stop telling my brother things he doesn’t like, because he just can’t handle them. I’m going to avoid my mother to escape her intensity. I’m going keep doing things for the colleague because clearly they can’t do it for themselves.”

See the accommodating shifts? How much good thinking gets lost in them?

Or, a person might be thinking in verbs, paying attention to the patterns and being curious about what could make a difference. They might think, “I’m going to be honest with my brother, because I think it’s useful for me to get the practice being honest. I’m going to be clearer with my mother that I’m responsible for myself. I’m going to manage my own anxiety when this colleague is struggling, and not overfunction for them.”

Maybe none of these people change one bit. But your sensitivity to their anxiety might. Your tendency to go along with relationships patterns might. Your capacity to manage your own reactivity might. Your clarity about your principles might.

These are the changes that require no one’s cooperation. Honestly, the best kind.