Here's Your January First Friday Q&A.

Togetherness, the perils of couples therapy, and overfunctioning as a supervisor.

I’m thinking about calling this feature the First Friday Q&Q, since questions are usually more helpful than answers. . .

Q: How do you define the difference between empathy and feeling with people (being connected) and an unhealthy togetherness? And what are some (small) steps toward untangling oneself from family members who I tend to get triggered by emotionally, without going into a cutoff or open conflict situation?

A: You’ve just asked yourself two great questions, and I’d be very curious to hear your answers. I don’t use the label unhealthy, when togetherness is quite adaptive for our species. I’d use the adjective “automatic.” Another way of asking that first question would be, “How do I want to stay connected to people as an individual?”

People often interpret less togetherness as less closeness, but it isn’t. Less togetherness is less dependence on others being a certain way, or responding to you in a certain way (love, approval, attention). When a person makes a move towards being an individual, they often will face some disapproval. If you can think of this disapproval as an attempt on the system’s part to achieve homeostasis, to get back to what’s familiar, I think it’s helps dial down our own reactivity towards people’s actions.

And that’s how change happens. Not by gritting our teeth and trying to force ourselves not to care what others think, but by thinking differently about the problem.

Through your sustained efforts at contact with others, the system may learn that your individuality is an asset, not a threat. Perhaps not. Either way, maybe you’ll feel less anxious about being yourself.

As far as steps, I’d encourage you to read more about building person-to-person relationships.