Living on the Outside of Others' Closeness

Why paying attention to triangles helps us grow up.

Want to get a good sense of how mature you really are?

Pay attention to what you do when you’re annoyed by the closeness of others.

Let me give you a few fictional examples.

1. John’s parents are divorced, and he’s very focused on his mother’s relationship with her new boyfriend. He tries to convince her that the relationship is “codependent,” encouraging her to be more independent.

2. Catherine is frustrated by her father’s constant overfunctioning for her older sister. She lectures her sister to be more responsible for herself, and berates her father for not setting boundaries with his daughter.

3. Angela’s grabbing dinner with two good friends who have just taken a trip together. They keep mentioning funny things that happened on their journey. She makes an excuse to leave early, vowing never to spend time with the two of them together.

A triangle is the smallest form of a relationship system. When things are relatively calm, you’ll often find that two people are more inside, with a third on the outside (star).

You might have been in an outside position when you:

• Tried to teach one parent to overfunction less for the other.

• Felt jealous of your partner’s relationship with their family.

• Felt left out when a child favors their other parent.

• Panicked when the boss was praising someone else.

• Became grumpy when two friends have an inside joke.