Tired of superficial connection? It's time to get creative.

A list of ideas for bridging distance in your relationships.

When it comes to our relationships, we rarely let ourselves be creative.

When stress is high, making contact with family, or catching up with old friends, can feel like another item on your endless to-do list. And the longer you wait, the more awkward it gets. So how do you break out of the cycle and bridge some of this distance?

I often encourage people to get creative when it comes to contact with important people. Sure, contact can look like an hour-long phone call, a lengthy text, or grabbing coffee. But it can also look like recommending a book you think they’d like, identifying ancestors in an ancient photo, or asking a fun, random question with absolutely no context.

Creative contact can give your relationships a much-needed jolt. But it does requires a bit of emotional courage. A willingness to ask questions we don’t typically ask and let people know we’re thinking about them. A playful vulnerability that assumes others want to engage with us.

Here are some ideas for more creative contact.

• Haven’t talked to a friend in a long time, feel guilty about it, but don’t have time for an hour long catch-up? Ask someone if they want to do a 5 or 10-minute call.

• Having a hard time talking about yourself with family? Write an email that you’d send to a close friend, and then send it to a family member. Terrifying but effective!

• Print and mail photos to your extended family.

• Send seasonal letters or emails to family with updates. (i.e. “Here’s a list of all the books I want to read this summer.” Or, “Here’s my thinking about the joys and challenges of parenting.” Or, “Here are the things I’d like to learn about our family history this year.”)

• Tired of talking about the weather with Grandma? Use AI (i.e. ChatGPT) to give you some new ideas for questions and topics.

• If you get nervous on the phone, create a list of bullet points about your interests, beliefs, and challenges. Feel free to abandon it at any point.

• Send postcards (even ones from your hometown) with life updates or questions for people.

• Feel overwhelmed by all the people you need to contact? Put names in a hat and draw one at random. Or get out a map of the country and move from east to west.

• Make time for one-to-one conversations (i.e. taking a walk, running errands with someone) at large family gatherings or group events.

• Want stronger person-to-person relationships at work? Rate the strength of your one-to-one relationships, and then make time to connect with the weakest ones.

• Be brave and talk about your niche interests you assume no one cares about.

• Connect with someone in the family who’s done genealogical research. Ask them about the most surprising thing they discovered. Ask them what questions they still have, or how you can help.

• Read articles that offer questions to ask family and friends. Like The Atlantic’s “The Questions We Don’t Ask Our Family.” The New York Times article “The 36 Questions That Lead to Love” can be useful for friend and family relationships as well as romantic ones.

• Try not to assume you’re annoying people if you’re not violating your own standards of annoyance. I wrote about this last month.

And finally, consider that people will welcome a break from superficial, routine conversation like a breath of fresh air. People feel more disconnected than ever. The U.S. surgeon general declared an “Epidemic of Loneliness” this month. Odds are, people will welcome contact with someone who is interested in their thinking and isn’t asking the same old questions.

Maybe you think that your contact with people is sufficient and enriching. Or maybe, like me, you need a little challenge to be the weirdo who reaches out in a surprising way. The person who tries to be herself, and lets others do the same.

I’d love to hear what you have done (and would like try) to generate creative contact with your family and friends.

News from Kathleen

The Kindle version of my book Everything Isn’t Terrible is temporarily on sale for $2.99.

Exciting news! I’m working on another book with the wonderful folks at St. Martin’s Essentials. Stayed tuned for more updates and pre-order info.

***Building a Person-to-Person Community of Faith - I’m leading a 3-part conversation series June 1st, 8th and 15th, with Healthy Congregations, an interfaith organization that helps leaders apply systems thinking to life and ministry. Check it out if you’re clergy, a lay leader, or someone who just wants to think systems.

Want to support my free newsletter? Buy me a coffee to keep the thoughts flowing or share it with a friend.

Want to read more of my writing? Get my latest book, Everything Isn't Terrible, from Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Indiebound, or your local bookstore (best option).

Want a free anxiety journal with the book? Calming Down & Growing Up: A 30 Day Anxiety Journal includes thirty daily prompts to help you reflect on and respond to your anxious behaviors. To receive a copy, just email me your receipt of Everything Isn’t Terrible.

Email me if you’re interested in Bowen theory coaching or want me to speak to your group or workplace. Follow me on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.

Want to learn more about Bowen theory? Visit the Bowen Center’s website to learn more about their conferences and training programs.