Too Much Or Not Enough

Why We Love to Criticize How People Respond to Problems

A couple housekeeping reminders. There’s a Goodreads giveaway for 50 copies of my upcoming book, True to You: A Therapist’s Guide to Stop Pleasing Others and Start Being Yourself. And this Friday is my monthly Q&A for paid subscribers, so you can email questions by Thursday to kathleensmithwrites@gmail.com. - K

Recently some climate change protesters threw pumpkin soup at the Mona Lisa. Or the glass case covering the Mona Lisa.

It’s an easy act to criticize. Wouldn’t that turn more people away from their cause than attract them? But I’m less interested in the behavior itself, and more curious about how we end up focusing on these events, and what they seem to do for us.

It’s easy to be critical of people’s apparent over-involvement, or overreactions, to challenges, just as it is to be critical of their under-involvement. “You worry about the kids too much!” says the under-involved husband to his wife’s helicopter parenting. “You’re not doing enough!” says the leader to a team he loves to micromanage.

We fail to see the reciprocity in these responses. To see how a focus on others’ reactions is a convenient mechanism to tidy up our own anxiety about challenges. When you watch someone spray soup on a painting, your electric car may feel like a sensible choice. Watching your sister always let your mom’s calls go to voicemail relieves the doubts you have about always answering your mother’s frantic calls.

If your attention is on the other, as a means to steady self, it is difficult to be curious about your own behavior.

I think I need to read that again.

If your attention is on the other, as a means to steady self, it is difficult to be curious about your own behavior.

What would happen if you didn’t tidy up the anxiety through criticism? Because I think we need that anxiety. It pushes us to consider a different approach. To consider our principles. A heavy focus on others can make us too certain of ourselves. It makes us see our distancing as maturity. It makes us see our overfunctioning as responsibility.

It’s rather daunting when I consider how much mental energy I spend criticizing people’s reactions to problems. Even turning just a little bit of that energy towards defining my own thinking is so much more generative.

Your exercise: Whose supposed over-involvement or under-involvement have you been focused on lately? Write down your observations.

Criticizing partners, kids, parents, siblings, friends, colleagues, celebrities, politicians, and yes, even activists you’ve never met, can be a way to manage anxiety. But how does it get in the way of directing oneself? Of asking yourself, “How do I want to respond to this challenge? How do I want to manage my anxiety about it?”

Your assignment: How can you set aside time to define how you want to be responsibly connected, to people and challenges? So that you don’t accidentally label your own immaturity, your own automatic emotional response, as the sensible choice.

Then, if someone sprays some butternut squash at Starry Night, you might see it as an opportunity to think, rather than just reach for the low-hanging fruit of criticism. Instead of saying, “They’re crazy,” you might say, “Hey, that reminds me. I really need to sit down and think about how I want to stay connected to this big problem, so I don’t avoid it forever, or end up gluing myself to the highway.”

The world needs people who are curious about their involvement with important people and big problems. Your family needs people who are focused on their best thinking. And when you turn your attention back to yourself, you may find that you don’t need self-comparison to feel steady. Let me know how it goes.

News from Kathleen

Last weekend I was in Miami for the 4th International Conference on Bowen Family Systems Theory. It was real treat to hear good thinking from folks around the globe and connect in person. So if you’re in the Florida area, you should check out the Florida Family Research Network, who hosted the conference.

First Friday Q&A coming up! This Friday is my monthly Q&A for paid subscribers, so you can email questions by Thursday to me at kathleensmithwrites@gmail.com.

*GOODREADS GIVEAWAY for True to You. Enter here to win 1 of 50 copies!

Want a signed, personalized copy of my next book, TRUE TO YOU? You can preorder it from my neighborhood bookstore, East City Bookshop. I’ve also created a digital bonus workbook for newsletter subscribers who preorder. More on that soon!

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