Why We "Convert" People When We're Anxious

How to choose connection over changing others.

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Nobody is more annoying than a recent convert. When we discover something new, we want everyone to know about it.

And bless our hearts, we can’t really help it. The moment you introduce your brain to something good, it immediately considers whom to share it with, and how to convince them. Mentally, we’re already in the pitch meeting, telling someone why they should watch this TV show, take up veganism, or implement this strategy in the office.  

This impulse isn’t bad—it’s how we spread information and why we have culture. But in anxious times, our urge to convert gets dialed way up. And our tolerance for differences evaporates.

This happened to me when I first started learning about Bowen theory. Before I’d even absorbed the ideas, I was lecturing my family, my grad school classmates, anyone who wasn’t thinking the way I was thinking about relationships. You can imagine how well this went over. By trying to convince others of its usefulness, I’d missed the central concept of the theory.  

Have you ever had a conversation with someone who was very focused on changing you, or converting you to a way of thinking? They think they’re passing along a solution, when they’re mostly just passing along their anxiety.

When anxious people try to change or convince us, we usually respond by:

• Agreeing with them just to calm them down. 

• Attacking and trying to prove them wrong.

• Avoiding by changing the subject or leaving.  

This is why so many of our attempts to manage others backfire. We forget that managing our own distress is often the best way to get people to hear you. Lower the intensity in the exchange, and you turn on the pre-frontal cortex.

But how do you tell the difference between convincing and connection? Between sharing your thinking and shoving it in someone’s face?

Convincing can look like:

• Talking without asking questions.

• Passing along your anxiety.

• Saying “We”or “You” a lot (i.e. We/You need to do this!)

• Ignoring or dismissing people’s thoughts.

• Defining the challenge for them.

Connecting can look like:

• Asking questions as much as you share thoughts.

• Managing your anxiety.

• Using “I” statements (i.e. “I have decided to do X.”)

• Listening to people’s thoughts.

• Asking people to define their challenges.

The urge to change, convince, or convert is a fantastic barometer for anxiety. Because the pull to change others ebbs and flows. It changes with the level of anxiety, and the level of sensitivity to others’ differences. On a calm day, it’s easier to let people be themselves. And you might notice it’s easier to let your friends be themselves than your family, because the pull towards togetherness is stronger in the family. 

When I get set on fixing people, I also try to remind myself what it would be like to have a million Kathleens running around this city. God help us.  

So this week, try considering all the ways you’re attempting to “convert” people to do as you do, or think as you think. What would it look like to simply define your thinking, and share your experiences, rather than convince?

Also consider what a group loses when we demand conformity. When we lose all our energy trying to make each other in our image?

 When we let people be themselves, groups can be more resourceful. When we stop trying to convince, and just share our thinking, we allow people to make choices based on their thinking, not our anxiety. Yes, there has to be some agreement, some shared beliefs and rules, organizing a group or relationship. But when we focus on ourselves, while staying connected, we help lower the intensity that clouds our creativity and flexibility.  

When we invest our energy into managing, defining, and directing ourselves, not in changing others, interesting things can happen. Let me know what you discover.

News from Kathleen

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