Your Sibling Position Isn't a Diagnosis

But it's incredibly useful to think about.

I am an only child. To those who know me, this is no great surprise. I like to work independently, and I get very anxious at tapas restaurants. My parents were/are the oldest of three and number five out of seven. My grandparents were youngest/youngest and youngest/middle.

Does this mean anything at all? Or is it just a nice thing to share at parties? Yes to both.

People tend to talk about their sibling position in one of two ways. They treat it like an inescapable diagnosis (cue the takes on “eldest daughter syndrome” or “middle child syndrome”**) or a rule that doesn’t apply to them.

But what if it’s something else entirely?

Individual, diagnostic thinking misses the complexity of relationship systems. The reality that we all have comfortable positions for functioning, and we must cooperate with others, who have their own comfortable positions.

So let me give you three ideas that are commonly left out of the sibling discussion.

We forget about influence of ANXIETY.

The level of anxiety in the family influences how your sibling position might shake out.

When chronic anxiety is high in a family, an oldest child:

• Might feel overwhelmed when others rely on them.

• Might strive to dominate others.

• Might have less tolerance for others’ differences.

• Might take off the first chance they get.

When chronic anxiety is lower in a family, an oldest child:

• Might feel more comfortable being a leader.

• Might show more flexibility, letting others lead at times.

• Might show more respect for other’s differences.

Sometimes a sibling position is more rigid, and other times it’s more of an asset. This depends on the level of anxiety, and the level of maturity (see #3).