23 Ways You Had An Incredibly Predictable 2023
How to greet your own immaturity with curiosity, not shame.
Happy holidays! I’m trying to slow down and remind myself that 95% of problems are now officially January problems, not December problems! For paid subscribers last week, I wrote about how we tend to borrow thinking from others over the holidays, thinking about who we should be and how we should spend out time. I also posted my first reader Q&A, which I’ll answer the first Friday of every month. Thanks again for your support! - K
The end of the year is a wonderful time to reflect on your own immaturity.
You may laugh or scowl at this sentiment, but I think of immaturity simply as the predictable ways we get comfortable in relationships. By becoming more intimately acquainted with my own immaturity, I open up possibilities for relating to people a little differently. With a little more self and a little more good thinking.
So let’s do that. Look through the list below of human things that humans do, and check off the numbers that jump out to you. Without shame, but with curiosity.
23 Ways You Tried to Get Comfortable in 2023
You focused a lot on someone else’s immaturity.
You tried to “convert” people to your way of thinking.
You imagined people were upset with you without much evidence (Hi, it’s me!).
You became over-involved with others’ functioning.
You ended up distancing from people to interrupt this over-involvement.
You diagnosed people rather than looking at the whole system’s functioning.
You pretended to agree with someone else’s beliefs to avoid conflict.
You tried to teach a kid to be calmer without trying to manage your own distress.
You avoided someone when contact would have been useful.
You borrowed advice from experts without considering your own thinking.
You vented/complained to others without going back to define your thinking in the original relationship.
You didn’t give people a chance to surprise you with their own capabilities.
You relied on praise and approval from others, without stopping to evaluate yourself.
You spent time with family without a plan for managing yourself, and you got caught up in the same anxious patterns.
You let your own maturity depend on other people behaving better.
You didn’t share your own beliefs, interests, and challenges, because you assumed people weren’t interested.
You had goals for yourself, but didn’t have principles for the kind of human, friend, parent, partner, leader, etc. you want to be in the world.
You convinced yourself (and maybe others) there was only one way for things to get better in your family, organization, community, etc.
You attacked problems and then anxiously retreated when this symptom-focused fixing didn’t work.
You acted helpless because you knew someone would swoop in and overfunction for you.
You tried to teach others how to change their part in a relationship pattern, rather than tinkering with your own.
You fixated on societal definitions of what you “should” be doing, rather than considering how you want to be responsible for yourself and to others.
You shamed yourself for your own immaturity, rather than seeing it as an adaptive attempt to get comfortable in an anxious system.
Woof, what a list, right?
I added that last one because the point isn’t to make yourself feel bad. All of these behaviors are attempts to get comfortable, to feel steady. They aren’t good or bad. But it’s useful to consider how effective they are and what the hidden costs might be.
Let me tell you what my big three were this year.
#1 You focused a lot of someone else’s immaturity.
This year I began to notice how much time my brain spends writing dissertations on how others need to function. I’m trying to notice this pattern, and then mentally hand these people back to themselves. And ask myself, “How do I want to relate to this person given these facts?”
#5 You ended up distancing from people to interrupt your over-involvement.
It’s easy for me either to volunteer to do things, or avoid the people who are doing them (because I think I would do it better or at least differently). Staying in contact with people without over-functioning is always a maturity workout for me, and I’m looking for more opportunities to put this into practice.
#22 You fixated on societal definitions of what you “should” be doing, rather than considering how you want to be responsible for yourself and to others.
As a person who is a little too online, I am bombarded with messages about what I should be doing as a professional, parent, friend, citizen, etc. I’m at a point in life where I have to say “no” to a lot of things I’d like to do, in order to say “yes” to the things that I really want to do or think are important. Still working on this one!
Your exercise: Referring to my list (or your own), write down some specific examples of the automatic ways you tried to get comfortable this year. What patterns do you notice?
Your assignment: Look for opportunities to see what happens when you don’t get comfortable in a way that’s familiar to you. When you stretch into the discomfort of letting people be responsible for themselves, or staying in contact with them, or not automatically venting to a friend or partner. What might this look like in 2024?
You look back to stop being so surprised by your automatic behaviors. To stop being so hard on yourself for doing what humans do. But you also look back to see a way forward. A freer, more flexible, more creative way of being in relationship to others. A truer way of being yourself.
News from Kathleen
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Love this!
Oooooft 29 hit me right in the thumper!