5 Questions for Anxious Times
When It's Easy to Feel Helpless or Get Overly Critical
A big thank you for all the support last week during the launch of my new book, True to You. I’m really proud of this one, and reading reviews from people who’ve found it useful is icing on the cake. If you didn’t get the preorder bonus workbook, just reply to this email letting me know where you bought the book, and I’m happy to email you one! - K
I don’t know about you, but I need some good questions this week. Questions that steer me away from doomscrolling or venting to people about the state of the world. I do not pretend to have answers, but I do think Bowen theory gives people a different way of thinking about challenges. So here what I’ve got.
1. What’s more about calming myself down than responding to a challenge?
We all have predictable ways of getting comfortable. It’s true in the family, and it’s true on a societal level.
By sticking to what’s automatic, we purchase temporary stability at great cost.
And what’s automatic?
Distancing from problems that feel too complex
Borrowing beliefs from others
Acting quickly and randomly to feel better
Becoming critical of how other people respond to challenges
Which leads to the next question.
2. How might I become over-involved with how others respond to a challenge?
Oh, if there were ever a single question I needed to tattoo on my forearm, this is it.
In anxious times, we tend to get over-focused on how others are trying to solve (or not solve) a problem. We criticize them, direct them, or gossip about them with others.
What can happen when a person reclaims a small potion of the energy they put into an anxious focus on others? When they stop mentally writing an op-ed about others’ immaturity, and fashion a guiding principle or two for themselves? I’m working on it.
3. How might others become over-involved with how I respond to a challenge?
If you start to make a move, people may try to manage you. They will tell you how you should feel and what you should be doing. There’s not much you can do about this.
But you can ask yourself, “How do I want to represent myself when others try to overfunction for me?” Because this is an opportunity to define your thinking to people. To say, “Here’s what I believe and where I want to put my effort.” Notice how this is not arguing.
4. How might anxiety be a sign of progress?
We often measure how we’re doing by how we’re feeling. But a person might feel calmer without functioning the way they’d like. Not doing what you normally do to manage the anxiety of the moment will generate MORE anxiety. So if people want to stay plugged into problems over the long haul, rather than engaging in quick, symptom-focused fixing, they need better metrics than how they feel in the moment. Metrics that come from questions like #5.
5. How do I want to function?
Note that this is a different question than “How do I make X happen?” Way back in 2020 (a million years ago), I wrote about how focusing on one’s self is not selfish, but essential for staying plugged into a challenge. For being responsible to others in a family or community.
To me, being responsible is about staying connected. Staying connected to:
information
people
one’s own thinking
opportunities for operationalizing that thinking
People who can stay responsibly connected to challenges, and on a good day, somehow manage to represent themselves with clarity, maturity, and openness, are absolute unicorns to encounter. I think of these people on days when it’s all too easy to slip into helplessness or that very comfortable criticism of others.
What are the ways you’ve been steadying yourself that don’t represent how you want to function? What are the questions you’d like to hold onto when the focus drifts toward getting comfortable, rather than getting it right?
News from Kathleen
I’ll be in the Kansas City area on Aug 20th for my next book event with Rainy Day Books. RSVP here.
Where you’ll find me this week:
If you missed my book launch event with East City Bookshop, you can watch it on YouTube. East City experienced extensive water damage to their store the night after my event, so please consider supporting them! They still have some signed copies you can order.
Want to read more of my writing? Read my books or my newsletter archives.
Email me if you want me to speak to your group. Follow me on Linkedin, Facebook, or Instagram.
Want to learn more about Bowen theory? Visit the Bowen Center’s website to learn more about their conferences and training programs.