How Do You Define Challenges in Your Relationships?
The difference between what feels right and what works.
I cannot believe we are two weeks away from the pub date for True to You. You can preorder the book to get the companion workbook here. And you can RSVP here for my July 9 book launch event at East City Bookshop (both in person and virtual). Thank you, thank you, thank you to those who have supported this effort. - K
I am always curious about how people define their challenges.
Some of these definitions look like:
My daughter needs to call me more often.
My husband won’t stop coddling our son.
Our new boss isn’t listening to anyone’s concerns.
My friends need to be more welcoming to my boyfriend.
A focus on others needing to function better is deeply steadying. And it feels right, because others will give us plenty of examples of their own immaturity. But what feels right is not necessarily what is effective.
How do people make the shift from blame to curiosity about their own part in challenges? Of seeing how there is more than one way for things to get better.
Here are some examples of what that shift might look like.
Focus on Other: My daughter needs to call me more often.
Focus on Self: What is my part in staying connected to a daughter who is comfortable with distance?
Focus on Other: My husband needs to stop coddling our son.
Focus on Self: How effective have my attempts to “educate” my husband about parenting been? How do I want to manage myself while he navigates this challenge? How is my relationship with each of them?
Focus on Other: Our new boss isn’t listening to anyone’s concerns.
Focus on Self: What is my part in communicating my concerns? How has venting with colleagues distracted from this effort? What is this boss up against when they encounter this system? When they encounter me?
Focus on Other: My friends need to be more welcoming to my boyfriend.
Focus on Self: How do I want to manage my anxiety as people get to know each other? How have I become over-involved with how my boyfriend relates to my friends? With how my friends relate to him?
Much of the time, our challenges boil down to this:
Staying connected to people who are facing challenges.
Staying interested in our part of the challenge.
Staying responsible for how we manage the emotions that get stirred up.
No one has to function any certain way for us to be working on these efforts. Because anyone taking an interest in their part benefits the system. What a gift and relief that is.
News from Kathleen
What I’m Watching: Just finished Season 3 of Hacks and am still shocked that the universe can contain Jean Smart and J. Smith-Cameron in the same room and not implode. Also finally finishing up Season 3 of Happy Valley. Sarah Lancashire can do things with her face that no one else can. Also, Season 3 of The Bear drops tomorrow, friends. We are truly blessed.
What I’m Reading: The new Lady Sherlock book by Sherry Thomas, A Ruse of Shadows, is out today. If you like a dose of romance with your mysteries, you need this series in your life. But start at the beginning with A Study in Scarlet Women.
What I’m Listening to: Julia Louis-Dreyfus’s podcast, Wiser Than Me. When I was growing up, there was God, and there was Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Arguable who had more of an influence on baby Kathleen. I love her episode with Anne Lamott.
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Preorder my book TRUE TOU to get the companion workbook today! Preorder my upcoming book True to You, submit your info here, and download the workbook + sneak peek of a chapter. Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who has preordered so far.
Book events:
Washington, DC East City Bookshop - July 9th - RSVP if you want to attend either virtually or in person!
Kansas City area - Rainy Day Books, Aug 20th
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Your point is well taken. We always have to look at the role we play in our challenges.
Thank you, so well said. Focus on self sounds so simple! Of course it’s tough, but here you point out the concrete ways to make big steps toward healthier relationships.