Making an Announcement Vs. Making a Change
Why growing up requires no one's cooperation.
Humans love to tell people what we’re up to. We love that sweet, little dopamine hit we get when we talk about our goals. Or when we talk about how we’re going to function differently in a relationship.
Often our announcements are more about managing anxiety than doing a new thing. The more people announce they’re going to behave differently, the less focused they tend to be on themselves.
We love to make relationship announcements like:
I’m going to be setting some new boundaries with you!
I’m going to stay out of your conflict.
I’m going to stop gossiping with you about other people.
I’m going to step back so you can be more independent.
I’m going to stop overfunctioning for you.
These statements have the word “I” in them, but they can take on the flavor of a you-focus, an other focus. They have an unspoken message: You need to start operating differently as well. To stop emailing me at 10pm, to stop talking about other people, to stop underfunctioning. It implies that your thinking should be their thinking. That there needs to be a level of cooperation for things to get better.
Reader, let me suggest that there does not.
A real leveling up in one’s own functioning requires no cooperation from others. None! This is the difference between announcing a possible change and making a real change. Between consumer testing your thinking and really living it out.
When my clients talk about “processing” something with a family member or colleague, I often ask them, “What would happen if you just updated your software and started acting how you want to act? And let the system relearn as you go?”
Sure, sometimes it’s useful to let people know where you stand. But it’s also helpful to pay attention to the energy you spend trying to get other people on board with your decision. The energy you spend apologizing for past behavior but not functioning differently in the present.
Think about when you’ve been quick to announce something you wanted to do differently. How effective was this announcement? Was it about doing something new, or simply calming yourself (or others) down? And when have you been a little more secret, a little sneakier, about doing a new thing? About updating your software? Sure, people might get stirred up in the short term. But if you’re consistent with your efforts, the system will have to learn to function in a different way.
What would it look like to make a move that you believe in enough, that you don’t have to announce it to everyone?
Be curious enough to find out.
News from Kathleen
Book promo continues! This week you can find me talking about my new book (and Bowen theory) on these podcasts! Big thank you to all these gracious hosts who asked wonderful questions.
The Meaningful Life with Andrew G. Marshall (Loved being back on this one)
Resilient Leadership (Bridgette and Irvine had some fantastic questions)
Braaains Podcast (We had some fun TV talk on this one)
The Non-Anxious Leader (Loved thinking about leadership with Jack Shitama)
I’ll be in the Kansas City area on Aug 20th for my next book event with Rainy Day Books. RSVP here.
Buy my new book, True to You! (If you didn’t get the preorder bonus workbook, just reply to this email letting me know where you bought the book, and I’m happy to email you one.) And if you read it, please review it! Those stars help others find it.
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Want to learn more about Bowen theory? Visit the Bowen Center’s website to learn more about their conferences and training programs.