Something More Interesting Than Support
I try to stay neutral about people’s relationships with their parents. I’ve worked with many people who don’t speak to theirs, or with parents whose children have cut them off.
I take it all in with the knowledge that I’ve spent the last twenty of years of my life doing pretty much whatever I’ve wanted. I haven’t had to defend my choices or beliefs to my dead mom or to my dad (a younger sibling who’s blessedly never been in the business of directing me).
When people start to distance from a parent or family member, the most common explanation is that they don’t feel supported. They might decide to stick to superficial talk or duty visits, because any realness would trigger an anxious response from the other. A flood of questions or doubts that feel overwhelming.
I’m not in the business of telling people they must have a stronger relationship with anyone. I don’t presume to know what they’re up against. But I am in the business of introducing the idea that there is something more interesting than support that can happen in key relationships.
The truth is that I have not learned much about myself in the relationships where I feel supported, besides the confirmation that I enjoy attention and approval and will spend a lot of energy chasing after it.
One of my favorite Murray Bowen quotes is about his own efforts at building what he called “person-to-person relationships” with his parents:
“In such an effort, one encounters every rejection, alliance, and resistance that are present in emotional systems everywhere. In disciplining the self to do this, one develops versatility and emotional courage in all relationships, one learns more about people than in most endeavors, and the family profits too.”
Discipline. Courage. Versatility. To what lengths do people go to develop these traits, when an intentional trip home or an honest conversation with an anxious parent would do just as much as (if not more than) running a marathon, taking an improv class, or jumping out of an airplane?
Today I’m thinking about the people in my life who have given me something other than support. The people who keep me on my toes and give me the exercise I might have gotten (or avoided) with my mother. The challenge to get clearer with myself about what I really believe. The opportunity to regulate myself rather than trying to calm them down.
This is not about staying in the room or on the phone for every insult or abuse. It’s about seeing the massive space between hurt and help where many relationships exist. A great dance floor where people learn to be themselves while connected to others. When we’re only on the lookout for people who think we’re great, for people who let us be in charge of ourselves, what do we lose? What fun do we miss?
Think about the people in your life who give you something other than support. Where are the opportunities to see what you can do with yourself? To believe in your thinking enough that you don’t need agreement? To be interested enough in your choices that you don’t need praise for them? You might find that you enjoy these relationships, even if their flavor tastes a little different.
What can happen in a family when even one person sees pressure, or pushback, or even anxiety as its own gift? Of course we need support. But we also need opportunities to see what we can do with ourselves.
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Such wise words