The Hidden Tension Behind Your Talking
Are you saying something, or are you managing something?
What do you never end up talking about, when there’s tension in a relationship?
Talking conveys information and strengthens relationships. Because humans have language, we don’t have to pick at each other’s hair or pet each other like other primates (at least not as much).
Language can create tension, but it can also manage tension.
So how do you know when you’re talking just to manage the tension in a relationship, or talking to connect? Neither is bad. But if a great deal of our conversational energy is about managing tension, there’s not much left to get to know a person, talk about interests or challenges, or work on shared goals.
Think about it—if everyone is complaining about the boss at work, I’d wager not a lot gets done. If you’re constantly reassuring a friend they’re not being annoying, you might not want to talk much about yourself. If you’re always avoiding conversational landmines with your family, you probably won’t be thrilled to visit them.
Talking might be an attempt to manage tension if you’re:
Speaking to fill the awkward silence.
Interrupting or finishing sentences.
Fishing for agreement, praise, or advice.
Giving a lot of agreement, praise, or advice.
Only talking about very superficial topics.
Venting to pass along anxiety.
Acting helpless to invite overfunctioning.
Asking too many questions when you’re anxiously monitoring someone (i.e. grilling a child after their first day of school)
Playing interviewer to avoid having to talk about yourself.
Inviting others to join the conversation to manage tension of one-to-one contact.
How do you engage with people in a way that’s less about managing tension and more about representing yourself? More about being curious about the other person?
What do you never end up talking about, when all your talking is directed towards keeping things steady? I would venture quite a bit.
More questions:
When are you talking (or not talking) in reaction to the level of tension or anxiety in a relationship?
What might it look like to observe, take a breath, and think about what’s worth saying or asking?
What do you want to do when you notice others talking to manage the tension?
Where do you want to test out the theory that a little bit of tension left hanging in the air won’t kill you? (Fun!)
A fun, little exercise: After a conversation with someone, ask yourself, “What was I saying, and what was I managing?” You might be surprised by what you notice.
Want to read more about these ideas?
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