What's Real Maturity, and What's Pretend Maturity?
How your functioning changes with your audience
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Last weekend my husband was out of town for his college reunion. It was fascinating to observe the changes in my own functioning while he was away. My eating habits declined. I stayed up too late. My efforts to do the tasks he normally completes felt herculean.
What’s interesting is that he never tells me what to eat or when I should get some sleep. There’s no overfunctioning happening in those arenas. But I do gain some amount of pseudo-maturity simply by having another adult in the house. It’s fascinating how the presence of a significant person provides a mirror through which I observe my own behavior.
Researchers have observed the power of knowing we are being watched. Or even potentially being watched. Leave a pair of cartoon eyes on the wall, and people are more likely to behave. Put a mirror in front of a bowl of unmonitored Halloween candy, and kids are likely to take fewer pieces. Our functioning goes up or down depending on who is in the room, or how they are responding to us. Or the simple thought of how someone might react if they knew. So much of what we call our own conscience is the power of the group, reminding us to stay in line.
Maybe you become very busy when a partner is gone, needing to fill the time to avoid difficult emotions. Maybe you regress to your teenage self when you visit your family. Maybe you start to use fancier sounding words when an impressive colleague is present. Or you become a veritable cruise director with your friends, feeling over-responsible for everyone having a good time.
None of these things are bad. But it’s useful to ask yourself, “Is this how I want to function?” Is there something to be gained from operating more flexibly in relationships?
How does your functioning change based on:
Who is with you.
Whether people praise you or not.
Whether people agree with you.
Whether other people are anxious/distressed.
Whether “important” people are around (i.e. your boss, a spiritual leader, someone who seems cooler than you, etc.).
We make these observations not to shame ourselves, but to see opportunities for seeing what we can do with ourselves. To function up or to function more consistently based on your own thinking about how to live or how to respond to a challenge.
Here are your questions this week:
How does my functioning go up or down based on who is in the room?
How do I want to be responsible for myself whether people are present or not?
How do I want to be responsible for myself whether people agree or not?
How do I want to be responsible for myself whether people are anxious or not?
And finally, what are upcoming opportunities where I can observe this change in functioning?
Observation doesn’t necessarily lead to change. But taking a researcher attitude to these situations creates the possibility for change. It also puts the responsibility back on oneself, rather than needing people to respond to you in a certain way.
Have you noticed your own functioning change recently based on who was in the room? Drop a note in the comments.
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Nice observations/considerations
I can relate to this. I seem to have a time almost every day after the spouse and kids are in bed that I turn into a different person and do things I would not normally do during the day. I also see it in myself or others in working on the office vs. working from home. I'm going to try hanging a picture of SO in sight and test the thought about someone watching.