Cheers to Never Being Ready
Instead of a person who's always preparing to change.
Happy New Year! For those who want to snag a digital copy of True to You, it’s temporarily on sale for Kindle for $2.99. Not sure how long that will last.
The new year can be a paralyzing time. It’s all too easy to make a long list of goals and habits and not know where to start.
Or to buy a bunch of self-improvement books, download a bunch of podcast episodes, and ease into the warm comfort of thinking about making a change.
I’ve been thinking about the difference between becoming the kind of person who is more responsible for herself and simply being more responsible. Between being a person who is comfortable reflecting on her immaturity and one who is willing to wade knee-deep into it.
Certainly reflection is important. Having a plan, a definition of functioning up, is useful. But making plans is also a mechanism for managing anxiety. As is a humble confession of one’s own flaws to a therapist or a group of friends, without making any changes.
We’re told that contemplation is a stage of change, that it can last months or even years before people make a move. But when you take a systems point of view, it’s easy to see how contemplation can be form of emotional distance. A way of tricking yourself into feeling like you have contact with someone or a challenge, when you really don’t.
Maybe contact is a more useful stage of change. It’s in the contact, in our relationships, that we encounter ourselves. Where we stir up enough tension to see what we can do with ourselves.
When I think about any moves I’ve made in that contact, there was never a moment where I felt ready. Where it didn’t feel a bit like running into the Atlantic in January. The concept of readiness ignores the reality that an emotional system is keen to keep things predictable and steady. That a new thing implies a jolt to the nervous system.
Therapists can be quick to say, “ Don’t rush into contact before you’re ready.” There’s wisdom here, but I can count on one hand the number of people I’ve encountered who dive headfirst into this kind of work on self. Most of us take our sweet time. We squeeze every ounce of dopamine out of thinking about our hypothetical, superior selves, and we will pay a lot of money to think about it with others.
So here are my questions for you as we stumble into 2025.
Where have you invested (or will invest) a ton of energy in “getting ready” to making a change?
When are contemplation and preparation more about managing anxiety than making a change?
What relationships and opportunities are front and center and could use your attention?
What tension, uncertainty, or distance is a flashing sign to wade in, to see what you can do with yourself?
Some other newsletter I’ve written about change:
News from Kathleen
Reading: The Wife by Meg Wolitzer and The Third Gilmore Girl by Kelly Bishop. (I had no idea Kelly and Ed Herrmann won Tonys on the same night in 1976. Amazing.)
Watching: Rewatching Season 1 of Severance to prepare for Season 2. Drop your Lumon theories in the comments.
Catch me March 7th online for the Living Systems Spring Conference 2025.
Buy my new book, True to You! (If you didn’t get the preorder bonus workbook, just reply to this email letting me know where you bought the book, and I’m happy to email you one.) If you bought my book on Amazon, could you leave a review? I’m in need of some more so other folks can find it. Thanks!
Want to read more of my writing? Read my books or my newsletter archives. Paid subscribers can access the entire archive.
Email me if you want me to speak to your group or are interested in working with me. Follow me on Linkedin, Facebook, or Instagram.
Want to learn more about Bowen theory? Visit the Bowen Center’s website to learn more about their conferences and training programs.
Thank you for these words. This makes me think of how satisfying it is to make the unrealistic list of books I plan to read in the new year to become wiser!