How Anxiety Disconnects Us from Who We Are

The relief of not being as unique as we think we are.

Washington, DC continues to show off in spring, and my entire life is in boxes as we prepare to move. Getting rid of stuff is my love language, so prayers for my husband as he defends his possessions.

Once again, please consider preordering my upcoming book, True to You, so you can get the free companion workbook/sneak peak chapter here. As you read this, booksellers are asking themselves, “Huh, I wonder how many of these we should order for the store?”, and your preorders let them know the answer is A LOT. In case you missed it, last week I wrote about how we consume self-improvement content to manage anxiety. I heard from a lot of you who felt called out by this, so you’re welcome. - K

I try to pay attention to the language that people use when they describe challenges. I frequently hear sentences like:

• This is one of worst things that has ever happened in our family.

• If I don’t do something soon, it might be too late.

• I’m worried that things will never get better.

• This is an utter betrayal.

Language is one data point for the level of anxiety in a system. When people share these sentiments, I’m less concerned with whether they’re true or not. I’m more interested in whether they’re helpful.

How do people get more curious about how to respond to a challenge? I think it happens when they begin to think differently about a problem. Can they begin to see how anxiety colors their language, shutting down all that good, front-of-the-brain thinking about the best way forward? That’s when you know you’re cooking.

Thinking differently looks like:

• Using factual language to describe challenges.

• Not using so much diagnostic language (i.e. narcissistic, codependent, etc.) to describe people.

• Focusing on the challenges of today and not hypothetical, future problems.

• Seeing how one’s own reactivity influences others.

• Focusing on managing oneself in relationships rather than “fixing” others.   

Let me give you a few examples of what I call shift questions—questions that represent a shift from anxious thinking to real contact with a challenge.   

Anxiety language: If I don’t start setting limits on my child, they’ll be spoiled for life.

Shift question: How do I want to relate to my child today when they want something?

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Anxiety language: What if this woman is bad news for my son?

Shift questions: How do I want to relate to an adult child as they learn how to evaluate potential romantic partners? How did my parents manage themselves (or not) when I was at this stage of life? The previous generation?

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Anxiety language: If I don’t fix this cutoff with my sister soon, I’ll lose her forever.

Shift questions: How do I want to represent myself in this relationship? What’s the history of cutoff and the reestablishment of contact in this family?

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Thinking differently also requires contact. It’s not simply a matter of challenging anxious thoughts. In relationships, we observe where we’re putting our efforts, and we create opportunities to change course if they don’t seem to be effective. We also get more data to see who people are and how they operate, rather than who we dream or fear they might be.

What does it take to get objective about your functioning and the functioning of others? To see that most problems don’t appear about of thin air but often are connected to the predictive and adaptive patterns in our relationship systems.

The truth is that most human problems are not unique to humans, and most personal problems are not unique to the individual. Can you look back a generation or two and see what people managed to pull off (or not), when they faced transitions, death, illness, marriages, unemployment, addiction, etc.? How does this change how you think about current challenges? Can you look at the natural world and see how organisms adapt to changes and challenges in their environment?

People have to figure out how to hold onto themselves while relating to others, because we need each other and we need our best thinking. Most problems boil down to this one challenge that sets the stage for human life.

When we treat our problems as unique to us, we lose our connection to the past and the natural world, and the facts found in them that could be a life raft in hard times.

Here are some questions for you to take with you this week:

1. How do I see anxiety coloring how I describe challenges?

2. How does this anxiety lead to more “fixing” that doesn’t seem to work?

3. What could I learn about past generations that could help me stay more objective about current challenges?

4. How would I describe the challenges I face today in a more neutral way?  

News from Kathleen

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