How Distance Leads to Overinvolvement
Putting more energy into contact than avoidance.
Avoiding people is an absolute workout.
If you don’t believe me, think about the important people in your life with whom you don’t have much contact. Think about the time you spend evaluating when and whether you should reach out. Or the energy you spend avoiding them or arguing with them in your head.
Seriously. Make a list.
I’ve spent plenty of time feeling guilty for falling out of touch with friends or family, when a five-minute phone call would have worked wonders.
Why do we prefer the slow drip of anxious distance to the jolt of contact?
Distance also can lead to overinvolvement in other relationships. A person may turn a child or spouse into a project, or make them their personal reservoir for affection and assurance.
People are less likely to be overinvolved when they’ve expanded the playing field in their contact. Moving towards other people is one way to redirect the energy we put into fixing or focusing on those closest to us.
But why do I have to call my brother? people sometimes ask. Wouldn’t jazzercise or french horn lessons have the same effect on my parenting or my romantic relationship?
I suspect not, but it would be a fascinating experiment to run.
Do any of these situations feel familiar to you?
Parents with less contact with extended family may have more intense focus on their kids.
People who don’t have a lot of friends might expect their partner to be everything for them.
People who don’t know their neighbors might be fretting over global events outside of their control.
People who don’t have good contact with their boss might spend more time criticizing them or worrying the boss hates them.
People who’ve fallen out of contact with friends might worry that friends think they’re selfish.
More thoughtful contact keeps us from using our imagination to fill in the blanks. It gives close relationships more breathing space and teaches our brains that contacting people won’t kill us (Yes Debra, I know there are exceptions.). Not to mention the benefits to longevity.
Some questions for you:
Where have you spent the most energy avoiding people?
Whom are you talking to in your head but not with your mouth?
What relationships might gain flexibility if you expanded the playing field?
Who’s the friend or family member it would be useful to call, no matter how long it’s been?
Distance will always be on the menu, for good reason! But there are moments when it’s useful to grow your taste for contact, to learn something about yourself and others.
Similar posts:
Living a Life of Mini-Steps (paid)
News from Kathleen
Speaking: Excited to give a talk to the Association for Clinical Pastoral Education on October 24.
Reading: 7 1/2 Lessons About the Brain by Lisa Feldman Barrett.
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Whom are you talking to in your head but not with your mouth?
This one resonated! I have full blown conversations in my head!