Have you ever fantasized that your new boss would worship you? Or that your child might say, “You’re completely right. I see the logic in your argument!”
Or have you ever shifted into high school mode, not inviting someone to hang out because they seem too cool for you? As if they might reply, “No thanks, Dave. I’m better than you.”
We seldom relate to the people in front of us. We usually are relating to an overly positive or overly negative version of them. This is because the brain loves to find shortcuts around the massive amounts of relationship data we take in.
But you miss a lot when you skip the scenic route.
Relating to the nightmare looks like assuming:
They dislike you.
They will disagree with you.
They think you’re not cool enough.
They will become upset with you.
Their bad mood has to do with you (and not a million other variables).
They can’t be flexible or hear you.
They can’t learn a new thing or tolerate distress.
Relating to the fantasy looks like assuming:
They will shower you with praise.
They will be your new best friend.
They will be the mother, father, sister, mentor etc. you never had.
They will act like a fictional character.
Your goals will be their goals.
They will be able to perfectly control their emotions.
So how do you relate to the person in front of you, not the fantasy or the nightmare?
It’s hard to be curious about people we think we’ve figured out. This work is hardest in the family, when many wish their parents, siblings, or spouse were different or more like someone on TV.
Growing is a process of letting people define themselves to you, and focusing on how you want to represent yourself to them.
Let me give you some examples.
Fantasy: My mother will start calling me instead of me always having to call her.
Reality: My mother was the baby in her family, so it makes sense that she tends to let others take initiative. What do I want to do with this data point?
Nightmare: Everyone in this meeting thinks I’m an idiot! Why did I open my mouth?
Reality: I said something and that usually generates anxiety for me. I’d like to keep saying things and see who engages that thinking.
Fantasy: My husband will organize his belongings if I stop doing it for him.
Reality: What am I willing to do and not do? What aspects of my own personality am I trying to push onto him?
But Kathleen, does that mean I should just put up with everything? Of course not. The question is, “How do I want to respond to the person in front of me?” You may decide you want to be a person who calls their absent-minded mother. Who doesn’t need constant praise or reassurance to speak up in meetings. Who lets their husband be himself unless it’s truly necessary to communicate about a challenge.
You know what it’s like when someone is relating to you based on their biases. When someone is trying to wrangle you into the person they’d like you to be. We tend to be allergic to these efforts.
It takes energy to be interested in people, but it also takes energy to try and change them or to avoid them. When we move past the fantasies, and the nightmares, we give relationships a chance to be full of individuality, respect, and freedom. A chance to be something more interesting than our expectations.
Some Questions:
Where could more contact give you more data about who people are?
When have you been able to move past the fantasy/nightmare and relate to someone more objectively?
Whom are you trying to make a better version of themselves?
In what relationships do you want to be more focused on how you represent yourself?
Similar posts:
Seeing People As They Are (paid subscribers)
Behold the Blurry Walrus (paid subscribers)
News from Kathleen
What I’m Reading: Your Brain on Art: How the Arts Transform Us by Susan Magsamen and Ivy Ross.
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You've touched and gently poked at the silliness I have to let go of--and learn more to see the woman in front of me. AND KEEP THAT IN MY VISION.