Is There Something Better Than Closeness?
Rethinking the idea of a "ride or die" relationship.
Americans want to be closer to their friends. This is no surprise, given increasing societal anxiety and our progression into what The Atlantic recently called “The Anti-Social Century.”
But when my therapy clients say they’re not close with someone (i.e. a parent, sibling, partner, or friend), I ask them to define what they mean by “close.”
In many ways, we may be the closest with people from whom we have the most distance. Because closeness can imply a reliance on the other to react a certain way, to keep things harmonious and calm. An inability to function as an individual in the presence of the other.
Murray Bowen observed that family members would often cycle between closeness and distance. During periods of distance, they might try to recreate what they had with someone else.
Closeness can sometimes look like:
Hating or worshipping the same people.
Needing someone to forgive you as quickly as possible and/or not be upset with you.
Needing them to have the same beliefs you have.
Not wanting to hang out with anyone else.
Feeling anxious because they’re anxious.
Assuming you know what they’re thinking or what they want.
Needing them to have the same goal you have.
Needing them to tell you it’s going to be okay.
Needing someone to praise or admire you.
Speaking for them to others, or having them speak for you.
Trying to prevent them from being distressed.
Needing them to have a good day so you can have a good day.
People often describe a close relationship as “ride or die.” But how much time (or tension) will it take for it to shift towards the die option?
Is there anything else on the menu besides these two ways of relating?
Lately I’ve been trying to use a different word than closeness when I talk about my hopes for relationships—connected.
Working on being connected could look like:
Simply being in contact.
Being interested in the other person’s thinking.
Not automatically assuming they’re not interested in your thinking.
Being open to disagreement or different beliefs.
Being responsible for your own distress/reactivity.
Letting the other person be responsible for their distress/reactivity.
Making space for people to surprise you, rather than assuming you know what they’ll do.
Managing your reactivity/jealousy about their relationships with others.
Talking about each other rather than always focusing on others.
Closeness (at least the definition I used above) requires the other to respond in a certain way, a kind of emotional symbiosis. Connection creates the freedom for both people to operate as individuals.
Focusing on connecting keeps people busy with their part in the relationships, rather than the other person’s part. Rather than worrying about whether people find you annoying, or wishing your friend would reach out more than they do, you can ask yourself, “What do I want to do about this? What’s my part in connecting?”
Maybe people will connect with you as well, and maybe they won’t. But it’s a lot easier to be genuinely interested in someone (and vice versa) when you don’t need them as much to calm you down, agree with you, or approve of you. Being more responsible for ourselves, and being clearer about our own thinking, opens up our relationships to be something more than symbiotic.
Some questions:
Where has “closeness” made it difficult to be connected to someone?
When have you had to distance because there is too much closeness?
In what relationships would you like to be more connected?
What are you going to do about this?
Where might you get too focused on how others are connecting or not connecting?
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Flexible rethinking! Thanks.
Favorite: sit at the end of the table and create some conflict for practice and observation.