Locust Swarms and Thanksgiving
Thinking for yourself when you're caught in the togetherness
This holiday season, I’m thinking about locusts.
Did you know that locusts have kind of a Jekyll and Hyde thing going on? In times of plenty, they mostly stick to themselves. But when food is limited, they crowd together. They bump up against each other, which triggers an increase in serotonin, which transforms their little solitary selves into a social, terrifying, crop-destroying swarm.
In this social state, the locusts have to keep marching forward. If they stop, they might get their butt chewed off by the locusts behind them.
I don’t know about you, but organizations and families can sometimes function like this. In tough times, we go along at the expense of our own individuality. Nobody wants to get their butt chewed off!
“As threats crop up, groups tighten. As threats subside, groups loosen. Threats don't even even need to be real. As long as people perceive a threat, the perception can be as powerful as objective reality,” writes Michele Gelfand in her book Rule Makers and Rule Breakers.
So why am I talking about this a week before American Thanksgiving? My hope is that folks can be a little more curious about how their families function. And have a little more choice in how they function. Unlike the locusts, we have a tad more say in whether we chug along with the anxious functioning of the group. When a group gets tense, we have the capacity to stop and ask ourselves, “Is this really a threat?”
What does shifting out of the swarm, out of the togetherness, look like for you this holiday season?
Maybe it looks like:
Moving towards someone you’d normally avoid.
Talking to someone one-to-one instead of using another as a buffer.
Saying, “Well I think about it differently,” rather than staying quiet or trying to convince.
Calming yourself down rather than trying to calm others down.
Not frantically overfunctioning for people.
Letting others navigate their relationships with people.
Letting people be disappointed.
Being more flexible with how things are done.
Not trying to lecture people on how they need to be more flexible.
What would you add to this list?
How could seeing the rigidness of the system as an adaptive response keep you from getting too focused on changing others? Can it keep you more focused on who you want to be in the middle of it?
If you need more holiday resources, you can check out my Thanksgiving Family Anxiety Bingo board from last year. I’ll be back next week with a post for paid subscribers, and I’ll see you free folk in December. Have fun!
News from Kathleen
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This will be my 80th Thanksgiving and I'm convinced that serving so much food that people will be kept busy with full mouths and later fall into a semi-food coma is the way forward to a less stressful day even when they all voted for the same candidate.
Great post! I just upgraded to paid. This Thanksgiving will be hard. My dad is in hospice and this will likely be his last. I feel like your writings are very helpful.