No amount of therapy will replace calling your mother. Or your cousin.
Building emotional courage for any relationship.
How much money have you spent trying to be more courageous? It’s an interesting question.
If I were to total up my expenses over the years, I would add up:
Working hours lost listening to self-improvement podcasts.
Books purchased to try to jolt myself into action.
Journals/planners purchased to enjoy imagining myself completing ambitious goals.
Paying a consultant or therapist to talk to me, so I get some dopamine from thinking about making a move.
Workshops/retreats that encourage creativity.
So let’s say thousands of dollars.
When my clients mention these kinds of activities, or want to schedule more frequent sessions with me, I say, “Have you considered calling your aunt? It’s much cheaper.”
There is no one way to develop emotional courage. Don’t give your money to anyone who says there is. But a way, an overlooked one, is found in Bowen theory—developing person-to-person relationships with your family of origin (i.e. parents, siblings, and extended family).
Bowen’s observation was that most people couldn’t really connect with family members and talk person-to-person. They would either keep things superficial, talk about other people, or not talk at all.
Bowen wrote that a person who could take up this work, “encounters every rejection, alliance, and resistance that are present in emotional systems everywhere.” And would develop “versatility and emotional courage in all relationships.”*
He noted that young therapists who had been working on family relationships made as much, if not more progress, on their marriage than those who were in therapy with their spouse.
The trouble is, people don’t always want to call their cousins. They don’t want to get their father on the phone, because it’s easier to just talk to mom. They are skeptical that catching up with their crotchety aunt or hanging in there with a bossy sister is useful for their career.
But what if it was? I think it’s a hypothesis worth trying to prove, or disprove, for two reasons.
It will keep you busy. A person never graduates from their family. Challenges arise, people are born and die, anxiety goes up and down. If you don’t have any first cousins, you’ve probably got second cousins. Seeing what you can do with yourself in all this is a great ride. You don’t have to chase after new techniques, or answers, or gurus when you know understand the assignment is simply doing what you can with yourself in your relationships.
It requires no one’s cooperation. People might say, “But what if I try to talk about important things with my brother and he just grunts?” Well, the resistance is kind of the point. Are you automatically defaulting to the other person’s functioning, or can you hang in there a little and ask a real question, or say something important about yourself, regardless of the reaction?
That’s emotional courage. That’ll show up at home, at work, and when the world is on fire.
I’m not going to stop thinking with people just because they don’t want to call a family member. I understand how difficult it is to make that move and how much thinking it can take. But I also have the vantage point of seeing what happens when people start moving around the playing field and making those connections. When they understand the assignment.
I’ve written a fair amount about this idea, so if you’re interested, you can also read:
Or you can just call your aunt.
*From Family Therapy in Clinical Practice, pg. 499.
News from Kathleen
Catch me NEXT FRIDAY, March 7th online for the Living Systems Spring Conference 2025. I’ll be talking about using Bowen theory in my clinical practice.
Or catch me in person May 19th with the Healthy Congregations Annual Event in Ohio.
Buy my new book, True to You! (If you didn’t get the preorder bonus workbook, just reply to this email letting me know where you bought the book, and I’m happy to email you one.) If you bought my book on Amazon, could you leave a review? I’m in need of some more so other folks can find it. Thanks!
Want to read more of my writing? Read my other book, Everything Isn’t Terrible, or my newsletter archives. Paid subscribers can access the entire archive.
Email me if you want me to speak to your group or are interested in working with me. Follow me on Linkedin, Facebook, or Instagram.
Want to learn more about Bowen theory? Visit the Bowen Center’s website to learn more about their conferences and training programs.
Omg where have you been for 40 years?🤦♀️❤️
“You never graduate from your family.” Love that.