Seeing Yourself as an Outsider
How your perception of closeness and distance can get you into trouble.
Humans are masters at feeling left out, without any evidence. Or feeling incredibly overwhelmed by others, when no one has asked them to do anything.
Your perception distorts the reality of your relationship to others. In the absence of data, and good thinking, our brains tend fill in the blanks.
When have you sensed cold distance, or stifling closeness, and it really wasn’t the case? I bet you could make a good long list. I’d call mine, “Last Week.”
Every person in a family perceives the family differently, and everyone is acting on that perception most of the time. We all have our familiar, comfortable positions of relating to others.
These positions might include:
Seeing others as helpless or clueless.
Being the one who was always left out.
Being the one who was misunderstood.
Being the person who has to direct everyone.
Assuming others are judging your every move.
Assuming others are not taking you seriously.
Assuming others find you annoying.
Assuming people need a lot from you.
What happens when people began to relate to each other a little more based on reality, and not these familiar perceptual positions? Is that even possible?
I have seen a good research question help people begin to shift out of these patterns. Because they have something to test out in their relationships.
Questions like:
What if people need less than I think they do?
What if I am an absolute delight?
What would happen if I simply didn’t act like an outsider (whether people treated me as one or not)?
What if I only assumed people were upset with me when they communicated this?
What if I took myself seriously?
What if I acted like I was not the black sheep?
What if I focused on my one-to-one relationships with people, and not how I fit into the group?
What is my part in being left out, and what do I want to do about it?
I’m not saying that people can’t hurt by others, or be overwhelmed by them. Of course they can. But I am curious about what happens when people get more interested in how they want to represent themselves than in mind-reading others.
Think about your family, your work, your friendships, etc. Where is perception ruling without much evidence? Where is overwhelm, or aggravation, or injury your mind’s creation? Where are you relating to people from that semi-comfortable position that possibly looks a bit like your position in your family?
Now how much, and what kind of contact could blow that perception right out of the water? What a question worth testing out?
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News from Kathleen
It was an honor to have Carolyn Hax mention my writing in her Washington Post advice chat this month. Also, my books are now being published in over a dozen languages! (I have a few extra copies of the Indonesian and Chinese version of Everything Isn’t Terrible. So if you live in the US and want a free one, just email me.)
It was great fun to be on the Marriage IQ podcast.
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I could feel my nervous system relax just reading these questions.
Your questions are quite thought provoking as new perspectives on our behavior help us change in more adaptive ways!