The Art of Being Slippery
When people invite us to act predictably.
School is back in session here in DC. It may be a million degrees, but I’m ready to buy a bouquet of freshly sharpened pencils and get to work. Kansas City, you were amazing. There was a fantastic crowd at my book event with Rainy Day Books, I got to connect with some wonderful Bowen theory colleagues, and it was so great to meet many newsletter readers! Thanks so much if you came out. - K
What are the ways that people invite you to act predictably?
This is a common question I have for folks when they’re thinking about their families. When the tension goes up, people grab our hands and lead us onto the dance floor. They expect us to know the familiar steps we take to calm things down.
People invite us to:
Be over-involved with their responsibilities.
Be under-involved with our own challenges, letting them take over.
Shut down or distance from them.
Fight with them or debate them.
Be the villain or problem in their story.
Be messengers or mediators.
Be their allies against another.
Worry about others with them.
Often we’re so focused on what others are doing, we forget that we can choose not to accept these invitations. People gain some momentum when they learn to be a bit slippery, not responding in predictable ways. They might even start to have a little bit of fun. This can send a much needed jolt to self and to the system.
Let me give you some examples.
Your mom complains that she never hears from your brother.
Accepting the invitation: Texting your brother to call your mom. Or telling your mom to back off.
Acting slippery: Asking her, “What do you think you’re doing to do?”
Your sister makes a political statement that she knows will rile you up.
Accepting the invitation: Trying to debate her and convince her that she’s wrong.
Acting slippery: “Yeah, I was thinking about that subject the other day, and here’s where I’m at with it.”
Your spouse is worrying out loud about a teenager’s challenge.
Accepting the invitation: Worrying with them, or trying to calm them down about it.
Acting slippery: “I’m so curious to see what he can do with this challenge.”
Your father is lecturing you about a financial decision.
Accepting the invitation: Doing what he wants or never talking about your decisions with him.
Acting slippery: “I really appreciate how we can talk about money even though we have different viewpoints. I’ll keep you posted on what I decide.”
Your grandmother is going to be upset if you call her estranged sister.
Accepting the invitation: You don’t tell her about it or you never call your aunt.
Acting slippery: You play ignorant, treating your grandmother as if she is perfectly capable of hearing about your family contact.
Your colleague is micromanaging you on a task.
Accepting the invitation: Letting them take over or barking at them to back off.
Acting slippery: Saying, “Janet, I have your thinking. Now I want to show you how high I can fly.”
These are ideas, not instructions. There is no right or wrong way to respond. It’s a matter of what’s effective at shaking things up, and what keeps us stuck in the patterns. Operating in a different way may annoy the hell out of people at first. It typically dials up the anxiety. But something is happening. People will have to go elsewhere to find someone to manage. Someone who will reassure them they’re right. Or someone who will argue with them.
A willingness to be inside the relationship but outside the patterns adds a layer of flexibility to the relationship. We learn to manage our own distress without involving others so much, and we teach others that we will not automatically take on their distress.
Acting slippery isn’t about changing others. It’s about getting more of a choice in how you show up in relationships. When you begin to get more responsible for yourself in this way, you aren’t abandoning people (though they may accuse you of this). You’re better able to be curious about people and their challenges, to walk alongside them, and to work together without squashing all the individuality out of them or yourself.
Think about the invitations you get every day, from family, friends, or colleagues, to act predictably.
When do you think you’re in control, but you’re really playing into what the system wants you to be? (Like a salmon jumping right into a bear’s mouth.)
What would it look like to show up, but not to the party they invited you to?
How can you be patient with people as they adjust to the reality that you won’t function the way you used to function?
How can you patient with yourself, as you’ll inevitably fall back into old ways of functioning?
When you’re trying to do a new thing, you’ll take some missteps along the way. But stay curious, and you might learn a new dance or two.
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I really appreciate “being inside the relationship but outside the patterns.” So helpful. And as always your examples are so relevant to my life!
I love this concept! It really appeals to me as a creative exercise, too-- find ways to not "play along" with what's expected while still engaging with the issue at hand.