Maybe You Don't Need That Little Relationship Treat
Are you putting pressure on others to make you feel good and function better?
We’re a day or two away from peak cherry blossom bloom in Washington, DC. In my experience, few things hit harder than the functional boost I get from spring.
Lately I’ve been noticing all the little boosts I try to grab from my relationships. Needing praise from a colleague. Reassurance from my husband. Agreement from a friend that someone is absolutely a jerk. And I ask myself, “Did I really need that little relationship treat?”
I’m trying to tease apart what’s a boost to go after, one that’s worthy of my energy and attention, and one that isn’t. Where am I losing the chance to develop my own capacities? Where am I putting unnecessary pressure on others to respond to me in a certain way?
Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:
Worthwhile activities that boost functioning:
Time outside (gotta get those blossoms).
Meeting with a writing group for positive energy generated.
Connecting with friends/family on a regular basis.
Talking about my challenges and interests and hearing about others’.
Working on common goals with groups of people.
Little relationship treats I don’t really need:
Getting notifications about likes, shares, signs up for this newsletter.
Venting via text to a friend who will agree with me.
Complaining to spouse who will agree with me.
Focusing excessively on my kid’s achievements/progress on skills.
Asking people what they think about my work.
Listening to a podcast on productivity to get dopamine from thinking about making a change.
Downward social comparison with others to feel better about myself.
Those boosts in the second list have a short half-life. And when people don’t respond the way you want them to respond, your mood and functioning might take a big old nosedive.
How much pressure do you put on your relationships to dispense treats, to manage discomfort? What happens when a marriage, or a child’s success, the reassurance of a friend, or the praise of a boss become levers we press to steady ourselves? What do these relationships fail to become? What do we fail to become?
I think it becomes harder for spouses to be interested in each other. It’s certainly more difficult for a child to follow their own interests or build their own self-determination. Friends decide not to be honest with you. A boss doesn’t feel like they can challenge you.
And you never get the practice of learning to evaluate yourself or managing your own distress.
There is nothing wrong with a good boost in functioning. Get out there and enjoy the benefits of being a social creature. Bathe yourself in blossoms. But pay attention to those quick and easy treats.
Where/how do I want to spend energy connecting with others?
When am I relying too much on others to regulate myself?
What do I ask others to do for me that I could probably do for myself, with some attention and effort?
If you’re interested in this topic, check out these past newsletters:
The Little Boosts That Keep Us From Ourselves
News from Kathleen
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Ewww! This is a good one! Thanks, Kathleen!
Thoughts that need to air: AIR ahh the air of spring--is that all we need?