Turning Off Your Anxious Scanner

Relating to people without monitoring them.

Curious red squirrel.

One of my favorite Frog and Toad stories is when Toad plants a garden. Frog says that growing a garden is hard work. And Toad, in Toad fashion, promptly misinterprets this observation. He orders the seeds to grow. He reads them a story. He sings them songs and recites poetry. Only after he falls asleep from exhaustion do little green shoots appear.

When I am tense, I am Toad in his garden. I can spot at least one potential improvement for every person and every situation, and if I’m not careful, I’ll try to grow them into it.

It’s useful to pay attention to the people in our lives. But when this monitoring is emotionally-driven, the boundaries between our responsibilities and others’ quietly blur.

Sometimes at the end of the day, I will ask, “Where was I scanning, looking for something to fix? Willing someone to grow?”

Have you ever scanned:

• Whether everyone is enjoying their meal at a restaurant.

• What someone else is wearing before they walk out the door.

• Whether a parent is behaving in a social setting.

• For signs of distress in your child (despite no obvious ones).

• Whether a setting will be boring for your child.

• What someone else is packing for their trip.

• How someone else is doing their household chore.

Scanning is an easy way to interact with people without really connecting with them. A fast food option on the relationship menu.

People often think the goal is to keep their mouth shut (or go to sleep like Toad) while others find their way. Sometimes it is. But we can also try to engage with people instead of scanning.

You could:

• Ask someone a deeper question than monitoring how their food tastes.

• Tell your child something about your day rather than grilling them about theirs.

• Ask someone what they’re most excited about while they pack for a trip.

• Ask a colleague what their challenges are instead of monitoring how they interact with everybody.

Where have you been on scan mode lately? Is it watching your wife drive (and criticizing the small stuff)? Watching your sister manage her kids? Watching your aging mother eat her delicious processed snacks? When you pick your kids up from childcare? In a work meeting where tension is high?

Scanning is one way to get steady. But it’s not a way to get interested in others, or for others to get interested in themselves.

And we all know how it feels when someone is anxiously monitoring us. We tend to fight back, avoid them, or give up and let them take over. There’s no growing in those reactions.

The hard work in our relationships is often respecting people’s capacity to grow on their own terms. We can try and rush that process, or we can start to be interested in how people find their way.

Similar posts:

Learning to Let People Be Disappointed

Where People Put the Problem (paid subscribers)

The Art of Letting People Cook (paid subscribers)

Who Are You Growing Up in Your Head?

News from Kathleen

Guys, I went to see THE Jean Smart on Broadway with my fangirl friends. She did not disappoint.

It was a pleasure to be on Steph Wong’s new podcast, In Real Life, where we talked about mom guilt and parenting anxiety. YouTube Spotify Apple Podcasts

Listening to: Fr. Richard Rohr on Pete Holmes’s podcast You Made it Weird. They are both a delight.

Reading: The Waverly Gallery by Kenneth Lonergan.

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