Who Are You Growing Up In Your Head?
Learning to put the dolls back on the shelf.
I love to grow people up in my head. I have lots of ideas about how people could be better leaders or communicators, and I have no idea why they don’t ask me about them.
Whom have you been trying to grow up this week in your own mind? A colleague or spouse? Dare I say the entire country of America? Take just a minute, and make a quick list of them all. Don’t lie to me—I know you have thoughts about how Harry and Meghan are managing their brand.
Your level of focus on others isn’t something to be ashamed about. It’s a data point. The more tension there is in a group or family, the more the lines blur between our responsibilities and others’. The more we see others as the key to things getting better. The more we mentally take the dolls off the shelf and show them how to act.
Think about it. When things are calm, I’m going to guess you have fewer thoughts about how your mother needs to be a better listener. About how your partner is driving. About how quickly a friend texts back.
As a therapist, I have lots of ideas about how people need to work on their relationships. But then it’s time to pick up the phone, to send the email, to say what I think, and I remember what people are up against.
When have you been focused on:
how a leader needs to communicate better.
how a family member needs to call you more.
how someone you’re dating needs to text you more.
how a friend needs to show more interest in you.
how two other people need to get along.
how a celebrity you’ve never met needs to function.
Instead of how you want to represent yourself in your relationships?
What does it actually take though, to catch yourself when you’re growing someone up in your head? To say, “Ah yes, here is some reactivity. What would I like to do with it?” Turn on the news and rant? Think some more about why your father refuses to throw away expired condiments?
Or can you put the dolls back on the shelf and take a breath?
I once had a colleague describe this as the ability to “give people back to their families.” In other words, seeing people’s functioning as predictable and adaptive in an anxious system, functioning that isn’t your responsibility to do anything about.
Of course there are times when we need to speak up and challenge people. Where we can give them useful feedback. But today, I’m talking about the stirred up moments, the moments when we need someone, anyone, to feel certain about or superior than.
There are many ways to steady yourself, ways that don’t involve growing others up. What could that look like for you?
For more reading about how we try to grow people up:
Being an Ambassador for Yourself
Here’s What Happens When We Stop Diagnosing Each Other
Are You Irresponsibly Overinvolved With Others?
News from Kathleen
I had the pleasure of appearing on a couple of great podcasts last week!
Catch me March 7th online for the Living Systems Spring Conference 2025.
Buy my new book, True to You! (If you didn’t get the preorder bonus workbook, just reply to this email letting me know where you bought the book, and I’m happy to email you one.) If you bought my book on Amazon, could you leave a review? I’m in need of some more so other folks can find it. Thanks!
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How did you know what I've been up to all week? :D
Your questions are intriguing and book titles so helpful. Write on!