What Does it Take for a Group to Function Up? (Part 2)

Trading in the Quick Fix for Grown-Up Solutions

Our society is oriented to the use of cause-and-effect thinking and instituting crash solutions directed at symptoms which lull people into the belief that the problem is solved. - Bowen, Family Therapy in Clinical Practice

It is deeply steadying to have a solution. THE WAY for things to get better.

Curiously, our solutions tend to involve other people functioning differently. Or an expert or guru telling you what to do. Or you assuming all the guilt and responsibility for a problem.

Have you ever told yourself, Things would just get better if:

• A leader would do what people want or leave.

• My parents or partner would just go to therapy.

• They would get sober.

• I could find the perfect parenting strategy.

• I could wake up at 5am (this one stings).

• They would read this book that helped me.

• They would adopt this ideology.

• They would abandon this solution.

• They would just calm down.

Often these quick fixes are more about managing the anxiety than moving forward. We calm down when people think the way we think. When they function the way we want them to function. Or when they tell us how to function.

I don’t think it’s useful to try and teach other people not to quick fix. People tend to take a tighter grasp to their answers the more you try to tug them away.  And isn’t sitting smugly in your “right thinking” it’s own flavor of quick comfort?

People sometimes try to make me their quick fix to challenges. If I’m not careful, I will gladly take on that role and the functional boost it can provide. People believe that if they can just get a family member to talk to me, or read about Bowen theory, that things will get better. They might in the short term. But I’ve never seen anyone dragged or converted into curiosity or maturity.

In his book Bowen Theory’s Secrets, Dr. Michael Kerr uses the term “grown-up solutions” to describe people’s capacity to stay plugged into challenges as a more responsible self. I love this term. It makes me sit up straight and start thinking.

So what’s the difference between a quick fix and a grown-up solution?

Before I bullet-point you, let me suggest you answer this question for yourself.

When I think about grown-up solutions, I’m thinking about:

• Greater focus on responsibility for self within the system.

• Respect for other people’s attempts to get more responsible, even if they are different.

• Attempts to learn people’s thinking about the challenges.

• Attempts to get clearer about one’s own thinking and define it to others, without trying to convince or convert.

• A willingness to tolerate and try to regulate the distress of being present in the system.

• A willingness to test out your efforts without announcing it over the loudspeaker.

People tend to have the most progress the less people know about what they’re trying to do with themselves. Broadcasting loudly to the group, “I’m going to be over here doing my more mature things while you’re anxiously fixing!” is the quickest way to get nowhere.

Believe in your own thinking enough to be curious about the results. Consider that people might function better the less anxiety you’re directing their way.

Some questions for you:

• What solutions are more about managing the anxiety than moving forward?

• When have I failed to see that there is more than one way for things to get better?

• When have I tried to push solutions onto others?

• When do I spend too much energy trying to pull solutions from others?

• How has thinking about something as a “crisis” rather than an ongoing challenge shut down good thinking?

• What do I think is the difference between a grown-up solution and a quick fix?

News from Kathleen

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