Being an Ambassador for Yourself
Instead of trying to change others.
Eight days later (and one giant plumbing emergency that currently involves many, scary construction vehicles), we are all moved into the new house. I am fascinated by the amount of cognitive energy that learning a new environment eats up. So if there are a lot of typos this week, know that it’s because I’m still trying to remember where I put the colander. Also, don’t forget you can preorder my upcoming book, True to You: A Therapist’s Guide to Stop Pleasing Others and Start Being Yourself, and get the free companion workbook and sneak peak chapter here. Preorders are THE biggest predictor of a book’s success, so buy yourself a little treat that arrives on July 9th. Thank you! - K
Humans love to talk about how others are behaving poorly. We spend a lot of energy thinking about what they could do better, complaining to others about it, and trying to teach people how to not embarrass or upset us. Compare this with the amount of time people spend thinking about how they want to represent and manage themselves, and it’s quite sobering.
One of my favorite questions to ask people is “How did you represent yourself?” This helps people see how their own emotional reactivity directs their actions.
Let me give you some examples from a person who provides plenty of anxious examples, a person I like to call “me.”
Ways I sometimes represent myself:
A person who tries to quickly fix.
A person feels overwhelmed by small tasks.
A person who makes jokes when they aren’t needed.
A person who says yes to tasks to keep people happy.
A person who says no to tasks because they feel the anxiety in the room.
A person who speaks quickly without thinking.
A person who doesn’t give others an opportunity to represent themselves.
A person who asks like criticism is unmanageable.
A person who acts like disappointment, failure, and rejection are to be avoided.
A person who avoids people they find “annoying” or “overwhelming.”
A person very focused on other’s immaturities, diagnosing or blaming them.
A person who interrupts others because they’re taking too long to get to the point.
A person who is over-responsible for others but less responsible for self.
A person who doesn’t come prepared to important meetings/conversations.
A person who conveniently borrows beliefs from others.
A person whose beliefs change based on who is in the room.
A person who tries to teach others how to not upset them.
A person who expects others to calm them down.
A person who talks about other people instead of connecting with the person in front of them.
What I appreciate about Bowen theory is the emphasis not on avoiding this person, but on becoming more acquainted with them. We do this by working on ourselves in relationships where this person tends to show up. Like twenty-four hours into a visit home with family. Ten minutes into a conversation with your mother. Or two hours into a board meeting where nothing is getting accomplished.
We observe these behaviors not with shame but with an appreciation that the system invites these responses in anxious times. And a curiosity about what could be different.
Observation leads to the question, “How would I like to represent myself?”
How do you be an ambassador of your own best thinking?
How I’d like to represent myself:
A person who can tolerate the anxiety that comes with thoughtful problem-solving.
A person who manages the responsibilities of their day.
A person who is thoughtful about when they make a joke.
A person who thinks before they take on a task or refuse a task.
A person who thinks before they speak.
A person who gives others a chance to represent their thinking.
A person who treats criticism like a manageable part of life.
A person who sees disappointment, failure, and rejection as an important part of life.
A person who works on managing their own reactivity when others are anxious.
A person who thinks about their part in a system rather than labeling others as the problem.
A person who doesn’t interrupt or guess what others are thinking.
A person who is more responsible for self and responsible to others, not for them.
A person who comes prepared to important meetings/conversations.
A person who takes the time to get clearer about their beliefs and is willing to change them based on new evidence.
A person who represents their beliefs even when others may disagree.
A person who is focused on how to respond to others’ immaturity rather than how to “fix” it.
A person who is responsible for managing their own distress.
A person who works on connecting person-to-person with others.
This isn’t a laundry list to check off every day. People seem to make progress when they generate a few good ideas (or even one) before important contact with others. For example, “How do I want to represent myself before this important meeting?” Or “How do I want to represent myself when I have this difficult conversation with my teenager?” Or “How do I want to show up for my own beliefs in this anxious time?” Often a bullet point or two on a post-it will be enough to keep you busy.
In my upcoming book, True to You, I talk about how people tend to focus on whether they feel heard or seen in relationships. This is nice when it happens, but the truth is that we don’t have much control over how other people respond to us. We do, however, have a great deal of control over how we represent ourselves. Questions like, “Did I represent my thoughts the way I wanted to?” or “Am I creating opportunities to define myself to others?” are often more useful.
People who are not focused on how they represent themselves are:
Sending a lot of anxiety into their relationships/groups to manage.
Putting pressure on others to be a certain way.
Preventing others from knowing what you think and what to expect from you.
People who are focused on how they represent themselves are:
Taking responsibility for managing their own anxiety/immaturity.
Giving others the space to be responsible for themselves.
Freeing up the group’s energy in solve problems and meet goals.
Giving others access to important thinking they’ve done.
Here are two questions for you this week.
What are the relationships where you need a little more thinking about how you want to represent yourself?
Where do you see opportunities to show up and live out that thinking?
This is not about turning yourself into a robot who never gets up upset. It’s about showing up in situations and relationships where anxiety tends to directs us. Observing what that looks like, and considering an alternative that is a little truer to yourself and your best thinking.
News from Kathleen
July 9th - Join me in person or virtually at East City Bookshop in Washington, DC for the launch of True to You on July 9th at 7pm. I’ll be in conversation with the amazing Michelle Brafman, whose new novel, Swimming With Ghosts, I absolutely tore through. And taking your questions! Register here.
We are in the process of planning a few more events, so if you’d like me to speak to your group or have a contact at your local bookstore, let me know!
Bonus content is finally here! Preorder True to You, submit your info here, and download the workbook + sneak peek of a chapter.
Want a signed, personalized copy? You can preorder it from my neighborhood bookstore, East City Bookshop, the best bookshop of all the bookshops.
Want to read more of my writing? Buy my previous book, Everything Isn't Terrible or check out my newsletter archives.
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Want to learn more about Bowen theory? Visit the Bowen Center’s website to learn more about their conferences and training programs.
How I'd like to represent myself: As a person who takes a beat to engage their thinking when they notice they are on autopilot.