The Hidden Ways You Might Have Grown Up This Year

3 questions to close out the year.

Woolly Hare. Ladakh, India. Source: Shutterstock.

I love thinking about THE NEXT THING. I have a new goal planner, and the idea of setting new goals for 2026 manages a great deal of anxiety in me.

But some kinds of progress are harder to spot. Maturity cannot be measured like blood pressure or income. It comes and goes, emerging when one manages to catch a wave of anxiety and ride above its surface.

Here are three questions for you that might shine a light on those moments. Like most kinds of growth, they emerge when we somehow manage to be interested in ourselves and others, rather than ashamed of our own predictability.

1. Where did increased anxiety indicate progress?

People tend to label calmer moments as evidence of growth. What were the moments where you felt stirred up, but knew you were moving in the right direction? When did moving towards someone instead of avoiding them, or letting someone do something for themselves, or learning to do something yourself, leave you feeling a little fried, but a little more capable?

Sometimes being stirred up means you did a thing.

2. Where was I able to see other people’s behaviors with more neutrality?

Before you go and get salty in the comments, neutrality does not mean you agree with or enable someone’s behavior. Neutrality is the capacity to take that top of the stadium view and see how adaptations emerge in relationship systems. Yes, maybe your boss doesn’t do anything, but also everybody knows that and does stuff for him. Yes, you mother and her sister seemed to have stopped talking over a petty issue, but the family has also managed tension through cutoff for many generations.

Neutrality frees you up more to respond to difficult situations and people with your own principles.

3. Where was I able to see my own behaviors with more neutrality?

Passion may create some behavioral changes, but I think some curiosity about how you’ve adapted to life’s challenges, is essential. So where were you less hard on yourself and more curious, even if you weren’t able to completely change an impulse? Show some respect for your automatic functioning, and you’re more likely to invite a new way of operating to the table.

What would you add to this list? What are measures of growth that have less to do with how many books you read, or how many miles you ran, and more to do with how you engaged challenging situations and relationships?

Happy New Year! Cheers to seeing people a little more as they are, not as we wish or fear them to be. That includes you.

Similar posts:

• The Fake Maturity of Emotional Distance

• The Gamble of Building a Better Life (paid subscribers)

• Riding the Waves of Reactivity (paid subscribers)

News from Kathleen

Exciting news! The paperback version of True to You is dropping in March. You can preorder it wherever you buy books. If you’d like me to speak to your group about it, you can email me.

Email me if you want me to speak to your group or are interested in doing coaching with me.

Buy my books True to You and Everything Isn’t Terrible for more in-depth stories of people working on their relationships and themselves. If you love them, consider giving them a review on Amazon so other folks can find them. If you haven’t gotten the free digital workbooks for them, email me.

Want to read more of my writing? Check out my newsletter archives. Paid subscribers can access the entire archive.

Follow me on Linkedin, Facebook, or Instagram.

Highlights from a Year of Writing

Did you miss any of these newsletters?

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I’m off this week for Christmas, but here are my ten most popular newsletters from the year. I’ll be back next week with some new year’s thinking. Thanks to all for your continued support. Happy holidays! - Kathleen

1. Staying Smart When Others Are Anxious (paid subscribers). The ability to observe the level of intensity in a relationship can change how we respond to it.

2. Becoming Less Allergic to the Reactivity in Others (paid subscribers). A more emotionally neutral reply gives oneself and others a chance to level up. It reminds the relationship that we are each responsible for ourselves.

3. No amount of therapy will replace calling your mother. Or your cousin. Building a person-to-person relationship with family members can improve one’s emotional courage in life.

4. Is There Something Better Than Closeness? People often describe a close relationship as “ride or die.” But how much time (or tension) will it take for it to shift towards the die option?

5. Are You Saying No for Others? (paid subscribers) Saying no for people, without giving them a chance to respond, is a flavor of overfunctioning. It’s also a convenient way manage anxiety.

6. 7.5 Things You Can Say Instead of Overfunctioning for Others (paid subscribers) Where have you been giving a lot of advice? How has that kept you from being interested in others, or others from being interested in their own challenges?

7. Not Everything Has to Be Discussed. Is it important to give someone your thinking, or is it just a convenient way to manage the anxiety of the moment?

8. 20 Questions for Functioning Up at Work (paid subscribers). Questions open up observational capacity. They help us stay curious enough to try something other than what is automatic.

9. The Art of Letting People Cook (paid subscribers) What is the long term cost of getting in the way of another person’s brain?

10. Have You Considered That People Are Capable? What happens when you relate to people’s capabilities and not their sensitivity? When you engage their capacity for good thinking?

News from Kathleen

Exciting news! The paperback version of True to You is dropping in March. You can preorder it wherever you buy books. If you’d like me to speak to your group about it, you can email me.

Buy my books True to You and Everything Isn’t Terrible for more in-depth stories of people working on their relationships and themselves. If you love them, consider giving them a review on Amazon so other folks can find them. If you haven’t gotten the free digital workbooks for them, email me.

Want to read more of my writing? Check out my newsletter archives. Paid subscribers can access the entire archive.

Email me if you want me to speak to your group or are interested in doing coaching with me. Follow me on Linkedin, Facebook, or Instagram.

The Urge to Issue a Press Release Whenever We Try to Grow Up

Stop letting people know what you're up to.

Elephant seal on the beach. Source: Shutterstock (David Osborn)

When people decide to make a mature move in a relationship, they often ask, “Should I let people know?”

“Should I let my husband know I’m going to stop doing everything for him?”

“Should my sister know I’m going to stop complaining to her about Mom?”

“Should my colleagues know I’m going to stop gossiping about the boss?”

My response: Your family does not need a press release about how or why you’re going to start acting more maturely.

Because often our announcements are more about getting others to change with us.

There is an idea in Bowen theory that it’s better for people not know what you’re up to. Not because it’s good to keep secrets, but because it’s useful to keep the focus on yourself. Also, people tend to get prickly when they sense they are being manipulated.

Does this mean that people will naturally change along with you? No. In fact, there is likely to be an attempt to get you to change back.

But if you can:

1. hang in there, and

2. demonstrate to people you’re not going anywhere,

then the pattern will have to reorient itself. Your colleagues will have to find someone else to gossip with, or start talking about themselves instead.

Talking out loud about changing feels good in the moment. Hanging in there with a change is challenging but much more interesting. What can you do with yourself over the long haul? What changes do you observe in the system over time? You’ll learn a lot if you can resist that initial urge to trumpet your apparent grown-upness.

Questions:

• When have you made an announcement about changing?

• How much of this was an attempt to get others to change?

• When have you not made an announcement about a change you were making?

• How do you be less surprised when people try to get you to revert back to old functioning?

Similar posts:

• Making an Announcement Vs. Making a Change

• Why We’re So Allergic to Being Managed (paid subscribers)

• Not Everything Has to Be Discussed

• 7.5 Things You Can Say Instead of Overfunctioning for Others (paid subscribers)

News from Kathleen

Watching: Death by Lightning on Netflix. Did not know I needed a Nick Offerman mutton-chopped Chester Arthur in my life. Makes me want to read the book it’s based on.

Buy my books True to You and Everything Isn’t Terrible for more in-depth stories of people working on their relationships and themselves. If you love them, consider giving them a review on Amazon so other folks can find them. If you haven’t gotten the free digital workbooks for them, email me.

Want to read more of my writing? Check out my newsletter archives. Paid subscribers can access the entire archive.

Email me if you want me to speak to your group or are interested in doing coaching with me. Follow me on Linkedin, Facebook, or Instagram.